Some of you may be wondering where the heck I’ve been. The last time I streamed was in August of 2018, and I’ve been pretty much radio-silent on all social media. Well, there’s been a lot going on in my personal life, and I wanted to now share it with you friends I’ve made these last few years.

In the summer of 2018 I experienced a very long bipolar episode of depression preceded by a brief bout of hypomania. I live with bipolar type 2 disorder which for me flares in cycles every few years. During the hypomania I was awash in scattererbrained creativity – so many ideas for my Twitch and YouTube channels! The mania feels great for me, with heightened self-confidence and a sense of “I can do anything!” that rallies me in a way I don’t typically encounter.

Unfortunately this “rally” also leads me to spend more money than I should and make plans that aren’t necessarily achievable. And it is, 100% of the time, followed by a devastating depression that lingers for months or longer. By July of 2018 I was struggling with said depression. This time it was accompanied by severe anxiety which was new and terrifying for me.

I sought professional help via therapy and medication, which was unsuccessful. My depression and anxiety persisted as we tried a number of different medications over a year-and-a-half. I even ended up in a partial-hospitalization program for three weeks to try to turn the tide.

During this time I was also diagnosed with frozen shoulder (which caused me ongoing pain and stiffness for the better part of a year), PCOS, and pre-diabetes. Quite a wallop. But the worst of it was a tremor I first noticed on Christmas Day in 2018. That tremor became worse as time moved forward and moved up into my leg, and eventually my hands. It affected my ability to drive and type. My doctor referred me to a neurologist, and she preliminarily diagnosed me with possible Parkinson’s disease (either the classic or drug-induced variety). My walking was affected, as was my speech (which I had not noticed until brought to my attention). 

Also I did not feel like myself. More than just the depression, I felt fundamentally different. Nothing brought me joy. The days of gaming were far behind me but I could barely watch anything on tv or get pleasure from reading. Even checking social media was scary. I didn’t find anything funny or even remotely amusing. I spent the better part of a year on the couch watching HGTV because it was the only content that didn’t spike my anxiety.

My whole personality changed and I could barely respond to anyone with more than monosyllables. Even eating was difficult for me and I ended up losing over 100 lbs.

I was sent for what’s called a DAT scan at the University of Washington where they inject you with a radioactive substance and then stick you in a PET scan machine.  For me the results were incredibly relieving: I had drug-induced Parkinsonism (DIP). My dopamine (the chemical responsible for bringing enjoyment of things) was severely hampered. And it had a chance of being eliminated by merely ceasing the offending medication.

Fortunately (and unfortunately), the medications I had been on to treat my depression were not doing their job anyway (and the DIP made it impossible to tell otherwise) so I ceased them at the end of last year. My tremors slowly went away, and as of very recently I’ve noticed my dopamine response is more normal; I’m feeling more myself. 

I’m able to watch stuff on tv and actually laugh at stuff. I’m able to hold a conversation with Mr Wez and others (and even crack jokes). My voice is back to normal, less stilted and weak. My enjoyment of food is back (thanks for the extra 20 lbs!). And finally, I found myself able to play and get some fun out of games. And, folks, it’s been SO LONG since I’ve had any fun in games. Crazysauce.

There’s been some other family stuff that’s been going on that is still lingering that I won’t go into detail here that is quite heavy and is affecting me deeply, and of course with these self-isolation times upon us everyone is affected by a new and unpleasant state of affairs. I hope that you are persisting as well as you can through this and that you and your loved ones come through this without lasting negative effects.

You likely won’t find me streaming anytime soon (I still have a smidge of anxiety), but thankfully I’m still here. Finally.